


Tightrope

by stxrs



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Injury, Memory Loss, Protection, Rage, SAERAN X OC IS THE MAIN THING YOU ALL, Sexual Abuse, Tags:, Tons of Violence, Torture, Violence, also official character lol, anyway, drug overdose, idk whats wrong with me, im serious, im the worst updater but i keep posting new shit yay, knives and guns, okay he may seem like it but saeran wont be an ass, so like, sorry guys the angst starts in the first chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 19:29:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14027181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stxrs/pseuds/stxrs
Summary: Monah was the special missionary in Mint Eye, until she made people see what they weren't supposed to. Rika wasn't very happy about it. So she decided to take the matters in her own hands, since Saeran was under the spell too and Rika was much better than him, Rika thought. All Saeran wanted was a toy. . But was it? Whatever it was, Rika wasn't going to let him have it.As the ropes between the three got tighter, Rika decided to cut one.One that would change Monah forever.





	1. For eternal Paradise.

Ana walked in slow, steady steps as she carried the joy of helping her savior in her victory. It was a small one for now, however it sure would lead to great things. She loved her savior deeply and admired her whenever she could for the paradise she created, even though it never felt enough.  
She carried the final dose of the wildest, hardest but the most critical cleansing and that was a huge honour for her. She could feel people staring at her with envy, not that she cared.  
  Two believers opened the huge dark brown doors in front of her, letting her secure the big bottle in her hand. The sight she saw was indescribable, almost. If you were an outsider. However if you were a believer, you would be dazed. Exhibit A, Ana.

  
"A794!"

  
Ana started to walk faster and gripped the bottle harder as she got near her savior, which was something she was almost getting used to. Her savior was always busy and that was understandable, but Ana would die to spend some more time with her and be influenced by her wisdom.

  
"794. . Is that the final bottle of the new batch?"

  
"Yes."

  
The woman sighed, then took a glance at the girl who lay before her.

  
Usually in a ceremony, whenever someone was finally cleansed from their toxic mindset and their rage against the everlasting party, they were out for a couple of days. At least. Death wasn't very common but a lot of people were different.

  
However, this girl showed no signs of anything like that. For starters, her eyes were wide open and they were so hard to look at. They were fixed at the center of the enormous chandelier at the middle. The chandelier was the only thing that filled her brown eyes with light and life, without it, her eyes were nothing but the eyes of an haunted painting on the wall. They were under the wrath of the savior, who was dying to wrap it around her tightly; so she could never escape. So she could be saved and be the new and revolutionary center of Magenta.

  
There were four believers around her.

  
Two were making sure that she took the elixir and checked her vitals so she didn't pass out, and the other two. .

  
  For a cleansing ceremony, you had to witness, experience pain. That was how you knew how valuable paradise was, that was how you knew what a gift it was. That was the reason why you would love your savior so, very much.

  One of the other two kept whipping her, hitting her in random places roughly for being a maniplulative rebel of a missionary in their home; and one kept painting new, ruby red wounds on her. Her face was pale as a sculpture and her veins were visible all over her figure, she kept sweating coldly no matter how many times it was wiped and her fever was going higher each second; she was so close but yet so far. Rika was glad that she was doing this herself because if it was someone else, then she would be off the hook easily.

She was shaking, as her colourless lips quivered in pain.

  
"Can someone check her vitals?" Rika yelled and held the girl's arm to steady her shaking. She looked at the girl's eyes and smirked a little.

  
"I'm sorry. I really wouldn't have done this if you were one with paradise. If you were one with my believers, with magenta. If you were one. ."

  
The girl was trying so hard for a single word to leave her mouth, a single movement, a single touch. . But none was present. She was in incredible pain, her muscles felt like tense threads that were about to break and her throat was no different than a desert.

  
"With me."

  
Rika placed a slow, passionate kiss on her lips and then listened to the other believer.

  
"Her fever is on the line, savior. The heartbeats are getting quite fast too. The last I counted was 92 per minute, though it will go higher. She is tired and her body is even worse. She's not reacting to any--"

  
"I'm going to have to stop you right there. First of all, has anyone seen him?"

  
"Him?"

  
Rika smiled angrily as she bit her inner cheek.

  
"Sae- ran."

  
"No, savior. He is still doing the assignment you gave him, he's outside of the headquarters at the moment. He'll be here within three hours. I do not want to interfere but he didn't support of this ceremony?"

  
Rika nodded, calculating her time. If she tried hard enough, she could end the ceremony in time for Saeran to not see her.

  
"Then it's a good thing that I'm the savior. One last thing, when did we start?"  
The believer who was there from the start answere without losing time.

  
"Eight and a half hours ago, savior. This is the longest ceremony ever, the longest we had was four hours before."

  
Rika felt happiness filling her body and mind, eight was great. Wonderful, miraculous. Eight was just the perfect amount for this poor girl to understand what happened if she crossed Rika's perfect paradise, if she kept manipulating HER people. If she crossed Rika.  
  It was perfect. Everything was going perfect, almost. She wasn't going to take any risks anymore, no more risks. No more games.

  
"I want you to spread the last dose in half. Half will be injected to her and for the other half we will use the classic method. Make sure you don't waste a drop of it. The formula was made for her, it's the strongest one we have ever used. Do not use it mindlessly, if you don't want to face any consequences."

  
"Understood, savior."

  
  As the three believers started to rush towards the girl, she started to move faster on the ground, in the center of the room. There was a mint coloured eye on the floor where she lay and she was just on the center of the sickening iris. She moved faster and more violently as she saw them filling five big, tall injectors, the pain kept increasing. Her head felt like it was being hit by a hammer continiously, it hurt so bad; it couldn't function. Her stomach was burning with constant waves of nausea and she could feel the blood coming down her nose, tracing a ruby red line on her cheek and making contact with her lips.

  
"Tonight is a special night!"

  
She could hear the believers talking in the same exact harmony. . Was it the?

  
"As we witness the end of our revolutionary night, say goodbye to a day of new possibilities and end another ceremony. . This is the start of another age for the Mint Eye!"

  
Loud cheering filled her ears, the ears that felt like they were about to explode. It got louder as she pressed her lips together and with a flash, felt all five needles enter her skin and paint her veins with the venomous liquid.

  
"Tonight. . We are reborn. Just like our newest believer, we are born again. And will make everyone feel just like her. Clean. Reborn. Perfect, perfect for our everlasting party. Everyone will get a taste of our Magenta. . We will not be destroyed!"

  
As the girl's screams echoed in the huge room with wonderful accoustic, it felt like music to Rika's ears. The moon light hit Monah as she kept shaking and screaming maniacally, from all the voices, the hysteria and the never ending pain. The needles weren't in her skin anymore. . They felt like they were everywhere. Her veins, her head, her throat, her ears and her eyes. . She could feel her whole body burning as she kept sweating, the blood coming from her nose was now creating a pool underneath her face, near her breasts.

  
"Savior! Her fever is forty degrees, should we stop?"

  
"Did the bottle end?"

  
"No, bu--"

  
"End it."

  
She turned back to the crowd that circled around the huge eye, creating a perfect symmetry from above. As all the believers made a perfect circle around the eye, they kneeled before the savior and the wildest, most sadistic and maniacal ceremony that has ever been held in Mint Eye.

  
"The road to Paradise was, is and never will be easy. As you saw tonight. But no worries my children, I will save everyone. One by one, if I have to. Everything is accepted for the road of our Paradise of wonders. Everything for the paradise. Everything for eternal paradise!"

  
"For eternal paradise!"

  
Her screams kept echoing.

  
"For eternal paradise!" Was all she could hear.

  
"For eternal paradise!"

  
"Now. . Those who will always stand by our party. . Will repeat this oath after me."

  
"I swear to remember my savior and those who suffered in the way of Paradise. I swear to cherish them every living day of my life, when the sun goes up and down. Within the moon, shall I always remember the day that we were born again from our ashes, I shall let everything else perish for the greater good;"

  
"I shall use the light of the moon to enlighten the eye, I shall use the brightness of my mind to englighten the eye. . I shall breathe for the eye, the only one who accepted me. I shall leave my bed for the purpose of widening the eye."

  
"I shall be a part of the eye. I shall be the eye. WE SHALL BE THE EYE, UNTIL EVERYTHING IS THE EYE!"

  
"For eternal paradise!"

  
Someone kept cutting her thighs with the knife.

  
"For eternal paradise!"

Hands traveled up and dowb her body, on her breasts, hips and inside. . It hurt. It hurt a lot. WHOSE? WHO? WHERE?

  
"For eternal paradise!"

  
She meant they. . . They ? I? Where?

  
_He._  
"For eternal paradise!"

  
She? Her eyes stopped producing tears.

  
"For eternal paradise!"

  
Her shoulder kept getting whipped, when did she stop feeling it?

  
"FOR ETERNAL PARADISE!"

  
_He. She. Gone. Where? Who?_

_"I can sing you a lullaby if you want."_

 

  " **No**. I want her in my room, you can trash her old room if you want to. I don't care. Treat her wounds and bring her to me, to her savior."  
Rika started to walk back to her own room as she smiled victoriously, as she stared at her surroundings proudly. She had won.  
She saved her. She saved Monah, now she was the only one who saved her, who protected her and who. . Loved her.  
She was Monah's savior. She was Monah's one and only lover.

  
Monah didn't need to know that immediately, did she?


	2. Spellbound.

_**WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE/HARASSMENT. IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE, GO READ THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY OTHER FIC. (lmao that's angst too but the first chapter is full of fluff. BUT SERIOUSLY DON'T STAY IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC.)** _

 

"Savior, do you have any more orders?"

  
Rika stopped putting sugar in her tea and placed the tea spoon down gently, then rised her head slowly. Her green eyes revealed a brand new perspective of Magenta as she smiled with a plastic kind of courtesy. The sunset outside made sun rays leave an aesthetic wonder on the trail of her long, platinum hair while she spoke with her silky voice.

"Yes, 823. Would you mind coming a little closer?"

  
"Did you treat her wounds? Is she cleaned up?"

Believer 823 nodded slowly.

"How is she? Tell me more about her."

  
"Her condition is stable for now, though we may have given her too much of the elixir. She had a slight--"

  
"No. The elixir is never too much. It was what she needed to be cleansed, to destroy her crazy mind and introduce her to the mindset of paradise."

  
"But--"

  
"NO buts, 823. Unless you would like to test. ."

  
823 was quick to reply, remembering.  
"No! Uh, I mean no. Savior, I'm sorry if I was being rude. Please forgive me."

  
"Accepted, now please go on."

  
"Her fever is down to 38 degrees so she will still need care, we stopped all the bleedings on her body and treated the wounds; she may need bedrest for a week though. Believer 935 was quite rough with the whip. And uh. . The traces of. . She's all cleaned up."

  
Rika raised her brow but still appreciated the effort.

  
"I want her taken to my room, now. Saeran will be here any minute and Mint Eye can't handle a fuss at the moment."

  
"But she needs care--"

  
The savior of magenta rolled her eyes and then spoke louder.

  
"THEN, I WILL. NOW, you go tell EVERYONE in the medical ward to take her there. NOW."

  
"Ye- Yes. . Savior. . Anything else you wish?"

  
Rika smiled calmly, fisting her hands.

  
"I'm so glad that you asked! Wipe the blood in the ceremony room, hide the security tape and do me a favour-- I want her file in my hands in the next few minutes. Also, if Saeran comes; tell him to do a server check up and then meet me in here on nine. Alright?"

  
"Yes, savior."

  
"Oh-- and. Make sure that believer Monah had only female believers around her. They will take her to her new room."

  
"Yes."

  
"Thank you, 823. You may leave now."

  
  She looked so peaceful.  
Nothing like before, nothing was left from that egoistical, manipulative looks of hers. As her brown, long wavy hair trailed down to her breasts where her slow and peaceful breaths could be seen. Her chest rised up and down so slowly, Rika thought that she wasn't breathing when they took her in. Her brown eyes were no where to be seen as she slept like an angel, not knowing that she was going to wake up in paradise; Rika thought.  
Where she belonged.  
Rika walked closer to the bed carefully, feeling her presence more and more on each step. She then placed her soft hand on the brunette's cheek, caressing it lightly, treating it like glass.

"So beautiful. . You're so pretty, Monah. . No wonder why Saeran wanted you for himself,"

  
She sat down next to her gently, careful enough to not cause her any pain. (Her body was still filled with wounds. It was going to take a while until she was better.) She started to run her hands in her long hair, loving and admiring each trail, as she spoke.

"I will never let _him_ have you. I will never let _anyone_ have you," She muttered.

  
"I _cleansed_ you. You're cleansed, I emptied your head from all of those useless crap that you and V created and filled you with _me_. You're so. ."

  
Rika's hand trailed down slowly, her breath deepening as her fingertips got to Monah's breast, feeling the skin.

  
" _Pure_ ," She whispered.

  
  She wasn't a traitor anymore, nor a demon who tried to sabotage her paradise; her only purpose.  
She was an angel, the only angel in heaven. Rika had an angel sent to her from the deepest depths of hell for her to cleanse and care for, for her to be blessed after all these years. She was going to never leave her. It was perfect. She was perfect. They were going to be perfect.  
Rika could feel the blend that was present in the room; an angel being one with the devil.  
Rika was going to take great care of Monah. She was going to let her know that she was her savior every single day that she lived, let her know that she had saved her. She was going to tell her how she saved her from the bloody Kim. How Monah was broken before she came.  
Rika was going to get to choose what she ate, how she dressed and how she did her hair. Her hair was so lovely. . So delicate to play with. Rika was going to do it for her every single day, brush it, braid it, tie it. .

  
Maybe even her. . Maybe. If only she disobeyed her again.  
But she was cleansed. . She wouldn't do that anymore, would she?

  
"Would you, Monah?"

  
Rika looked up at her eyes for a while, then leaned closer to plant a kiss on her lips.

  
  It felt perfect. _She felt perfect_ , her lips were warm and had a natural red colour of it's, they were plump and full of life, unlike the other day. Rika deepened the kiss even though she was the only one and loved every second of it. She let her tongue inside of her mouth, getting more and more impatient for her to wake up and return her kiss.  
She managed to pull herself back after a point, then spoke.

  
This wasn't a game anymore and Rika wasn't going to play anymore.

  
"You wouldn't. . You love me. I love you, you love me. We love each other." Rika breathed out, smiling.

  
"We're perfect. We're perfect!" She smiled wider as she reached for Monah's hand, then pressing a kiss on it.

  
"You. . "

  
_"You're perfect."_

  
It felt like magic. She created magic, _she made magic._ Rika was not only the savior but also the magician. She made it.

  
_She_ made it.

  
And if Monah decided to think differently, Rika would spell her again. And again and again and again. .

  
_Until she was spellbound forever._

 

The man walked on the narrow hallway after a long, tiring day out of paradise. He was only glad to be back where he could find peace and quiet without any of the airheads and demons in the outside world. He was home. Just when he started to turn towards the stairs so that he could reach his room, he stopped. He turned back slowly with the graceful idea of playing with his toy a little before he got back. He loved to remember how she shivered, how she got scared so quickly or how scared he was of him. _He was strong. All because he was strong._

  
He was strong.

  
He walked fastly to her room with the biggest smirk on his face, only to find the door open.

  
"What?" He breathed out, _anger_ forming inside him.

  
He tried to calm himself down. _Maybe she's only playing with you. Since she's jealous of your strength._

  
That had to be it, right?

  
Just when Saeran was about to start yelling, he took a look around.

  
Everything. Everything was a mess. But most importantly. .

  
_She was gone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be studying but here you go, lol. However, I would love to know about your opinions too so don't be shy to let me know xx


	3. A Piece Of Fabric.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran gets to learn about Monah's dissapperance, however from a falser perspective and the worst person.

The dining hall was shockingly quiet that night. No believer wanted to speak or brag about last nights ceremony. They knew that the road to paradise came from pain and sorrow of course, however they never witnessed pain being given to someone that much or right on the eye.

  
Ana couldn't forget the sight.

  
Kahl Monah laying in the middle of the splendid, mint coloured iris with her almost transparent white night gown. It was a tradition to dress the granted soul in white, everyone else had to wear either something black or their robes, so that it would be certain that they were being cleansed. The ceremony lasted for nine hours in total, they went on for another twenty minutes after she passed out. Even when she was out, the whipping nor the cutting stopped. As a matter of fact, another believer tried to bite her skin off multiple times. (He was punished by the savior herself, of course. Nothing ever happened without her saying so.)  
Her white gown being in shreads and in loose threads as each thread was another shade of red, Monah's bleeding only increased. Her wounds were so deep and in such a shade as the moonlight hit her blood and reflected through her liquid, you could see a little enlightenment in her eyes coming from the reflection. The dress was no longer white anymore or in a single piece in particular. There were the wonderful, fascinating bliss of salvation all over her face that created something of her own as it mixed with her blood.

  
Their savior watched as the girl lay on the very center, unconcious and heavily bleeding, the savior looked amazed. Then, they went to the final base which begun when the soul was unconcious.

  
_"My believers. . The ones who make the eye in Mint Eye. I, your savior, grant you the young, complex and strong body and soul of this woman. You shall eat with her, help her leave her darkness fully and shall be there for her risal. Mint Eye. . I grant you this woman, it's yours now. It's up to you, for her to find her true way to help live in and spread the paradise."_

  
Everyone lit their candles and walked in harmony as their savior completed the ceremony.

  
_"I grant you this strong body, the body that has faced the wildest ; longest ceremony of our history. You shall cherish it forever. I grant you this young and wise soul; that always has awareness on what's logical and true. It will help us get to a brand new point."_

  
The healer gave the girl one last shot, injecting her with the final elixir. The savior told them to use every single drop, after all.

  
_"Mint Eye. . I grant you this woman. Her body, her soul, her each breath, her life, her health. ."_

  
**_" I grant you this woman."_ **

  
  The dining room wasn't silent for nothing. Everyone was admiring the ceremony, of course. Their savior worked hard and brought down one of the biggest threaths they have ever seen-- still. Sometimes things happened.  
That was the reason why everyone was scared to their bits when the door was opened harshly, creating an echo on each part of the huge hall.  
Loud breaths, slight growling and a piece of black fabric. Before anyone could say a single thing or even breathe out something, he growled loudly so that everyone and everyone; could hear how serious he was. How ready he was to choke someone.

  
"WHO?!" His voice echoed even louder than anyone could possibly imagine, as the black piece of fabric in his hand kept shaking because of his anger.

  
"Mr. Saeran--"

  
"NO! NO, NO. WHO?!" He yelled again, as his legs were quick to carry him in the middle of the pristine hall, filling people with fear with his confident, grave steps. Soon there he was, Saeran Choi, at one of his most invincible state.

  
The believers knew that Mr. Ray was a soft, generous man. Mr. Ray was more that ready to make sacrifices, to think of anyone else, to think of their savior. . Mr. Ray wasn't all about firmness but him being there in his room, in front of those countless screens was enough. Him being so. . Willing and obedient.

  
_Obedience was the best trait one could ever wish for._

  
Everyone knew that. Mr. Saeran knew that too, however, Saeran Choi wasn't aware of that. What he wanted was. .

  
"Sir, ple--"

  
He had to calm down, before anything else. He couldn't just lose the grip on reality and all else in front of sheepy believers, he had to remain Mr. Saeran.With his steadiness, his dignity and his pride. He was never going to let them see his actual emotion nor him, no one deserved him. He was too well for that.  
He was Mr. Saeran; too well. Too strong. The only one who had the right to know him was his savior and no one else. Monah wasn't worthy enough for him to encounter with, anyway. Mr. Saeran couldn't be bothered with others emotions. However he wondered, if anyone else treated Monah with worth. . .

  
**_Or disworth._ **

  
He was full of strength, he could feel. .

  
"Who. . Who dared to sneak into her room? A fucking question at a time. If I don't get an answer now, I will feed one of you with the elixir for a bloody week. "  
He waited. He waited for a word, a sound or anything else. Something. A twitch. A move.

  
 _Desperately_.

  
However, the only thing twitching was his eye as he took a deep breath in, he could feel the veins on his forehead getting thicker. He had to remain calm, so he did that. He felt the soft black piece of fabric once again, a piece from her black dress, then placed it inside his pocket. Afterwards, he spoke once again.

  
"Who on magenta sneaked into her room? Or. . Was it an outsider? If I get a proper answer, the person who answers will be awarded. If I get nothing. . Someone will have a change on their diet."

  
This time, despite the present silence, there was an answer.

  
"Mr. Saeran. . We don't know much but er, the savior wanted to meet you. She knows about your question."

  
Saeran faked a laugh in order to make them shiver a bit more, then went on.

  
"I know about our meeting. But that wasn't what I asked about, was it? I asked about what you know about. Go on. Now."

  
Believer D5647 struggled at speaking but she tried her best to not reveal too much information since the savior warned them to not talk about anything until she told them else. Mr. Saeran wasn't supposed see the big picture until the savior had a few words with him since he felt. . A little connection to the missionary. No believer could blame him of course, however in magenta; the deepest and the only connection that you were supposed to have was your way of improving it.

  
No **one** or nothing else.

  
"The special missionary was taken outside of the room for disobeying the orders and manipulating the ways of paradise. . "

  
Saeran gritted his teeth, then asked vigorously.

  
"And?"

  
"She was taken to see what would happen if she crossed with them,"

  
_Oh_.

  
This could mean something else too. She was most likely taken to somewhere else, Saeran wanted to believe.

  
"Where is she now? Answer fast, stop babbling like a child."

  
The woman gulped.

  
"I don't know anything about believer Monah's whereabouts."

  
Saeran was going to yell again, until he had another thing repeating inside his head. A small detail.

  
  Saeran loved details so much. He loved how small but meaningful they could be, he loved the effect and the level of capture they had. They carried one perfect level of satisfaction to him, even when he hacked he always thought of them. He had multiple details for his hacker persona, leaving traces of him and Mint Eye what ever he did. Saeran always saw himself as a detail when he was a child too, small and sometimes rarely seen but he loved to think that he was a remarkable one; even though he always suspected it.

  
However, this one little detail wasn't one that he enjoyed, in fact it felt more like a wave of nausea.

  
_"I don't know anything about believer Monah's whereabouts."_

  
_**Believer Monah.** _

  
"What did you just say?"

  
When the woman babbled again, Saeran walked towards her with an incredible rush of speed and heat inside his veins, feeling something unhumanly inside him.

  
_**Believer Monah.** _

  
Just when his hands were on her robe, a familiar voice echoed in the hall.

  
_**"Saeran. "** _

  
  The woman fixed her tight, black dress as she sat down on the white chair and paused for a second just before asking him if he wanted tea.  
Saeran let out a deep breath, still biting on the skin on his fingertips to act formal near his savior. He had to remain proper.

  
"Thank you, savior." He muttered, then added a teaspoon of honey in his tea.

  
"Your welcome. Now, I would actually like to discuss our process-- but I see that you are curious about our special missionary. May I ask why?"

  
Rika asked with a courteous plastic smile, as if she was inviting him for a truce. When she of course knew what Saeran wished for, what he truly _desired_ for. How his veins, his stomach and his heart were burning. . She knew Saeran better than he did and that would be silly if she didn't use it, wouldn't it?

  
Saeran could spread his soul into a thousand pieces if he wished to, however Rika would always find a way to control each of them like wooden puppets. Ready to rot, break and burn.

  
"I am only curious, simply because I brought her here. I brought her with my bare hands, working to get through that idiotic red head's security walls. If she is gone, then all my efforts are wasted. I thought that I could at least turn her into something useful,"

  
 _Liar_ , Rika thought.

  
"I see," Rika stated, then spoke once again after taking a biscuit from the plate in front of her.

  
"What do you want to know, exactly?"

  
Saeran was silent for a second.

  
"Where is she?"

  
"Oh-- Didn't they tell you?"

  
Saeran raised one of his brows, feeling a tightness on his chest.

  
"Tell me what?"

  
"That she was gotten rid of."

  
Saeran chuckled, as he built a big smile on his lips.

  
"What do you mean, savior?"

  
"Saeran,"

  
" 'Gotten rid of' ? That can mean a lot of things. A lot, really."

  
Rika sighed, rolling her big emerald eyes internally. She then passed a file to the boy, just before speaking with all her charm.

  
"I really didn't want everything to end up like this. . It was just wrong-- But it had to be done, my boy. . She wasn't meant to stay in paradise. She was too weak, nothing like you. You're strong, my child. Stronger than her, than anyone. She would only drag you down. _Monah_ was nothing but a--"

  
Saeran could feel his breaths deepening as the pain in his chest finally became unbearable, the slight ache turned into a massive, heavy stone resting on his ribcage and his heart was no different than a sledgehammer hitting it as harsh as it could. He could feel an intense impulse to throw over the table in front of him and find all the fellow believers who had signed the piece of paper in his hand. The paper wasn't still as his hand kept shaking, his palms kept sweating intensely while he felt his veins gaining power over his body. He was certain that they were showing.

  
_**"Do not say her name. Do not say her name."** _

  
His voice was shaking. His broad, confidence voice shivered in something he didn't have a memory of but it was. He felt the lock in his throat, he however had to stay strong.

  
He was strong.

  
He was strong.

  
_**He survived. But she didn't.**_

**Mint Eye**

  
**Info on: Kahl, Monah**

  
**Age: 20**

  
**Date of birth: 1994, November 25th**

  
**Place of Birth; Budapest, Romania**

  
**Nationality; Korean - Romanian**

  
**Date of death: June 20th, 2014**

  
"Saeran--"

  
Be strong. Chin up. Paper down. Chin up.

  
_**"Do not, ever, say her name! I brought her here, I got to decide what to do with her! She could. . She could still be useful to us! No. . Savior I. . "** _

Or not. 

  
"Saeran."

  
 _ **"I got to decide anything. I got to visit her. I got to see her last minutes! Me!"**_ He growled, starting to throw everything on the table to the nearest wall possible. He kept throwing curses at everyone and everything possible, too blinded to see that five other believer surrounded him. He was then tranquilized by his savior's order, taken back to his room. 

  
The room with no soul and no light.

  
Rika walked back to her room, as exhaustion took over her body. All she felt on her shoulders were heavy metaphorical iron bars that were left from the day. She knew Saeran would have a mental breakdown once he saw the fake records, typical. Always letting his impulses take over him.

  
How fools they all were.

  
Puppets waiting to be manipulated until they accepted the fact that Rika was their _master_.

  
When Saeran woke up after being tranquilized, he didn't think too much for the first time in a few days. He fell back to sleep in a few minutes since he was still tired, however without realizing the fact that he didn't let the black piece of fabric out of his grasp.


	4. The Honeymoon Inside Magenta.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Saeran is plagued by dreams, he sees old memories of Ray accompanying him.

_Red. It was one of the best shades of red, the shade of a dark apple, however it looked like it was enlightened by all the rays of sun._

_She always painted her toenails red. And her nails were always in a different colour, depending on the flower Ray talked about. Ray would always talk about a certain plant each day, it had became a thing between the two. And the next day, her nails were the colour of the plant that has been talked about the other day._

_Ray loved it._

_He could feel her hands going through his combed, white hair as he closed his eyes for a minute to feel her presence more, to actually feel the relief going through his body. He always felt refreshed whenever he was with Monah, she had an atmosphere of herself, one that could pull thousands of stars in it. Maybe that was the reason why she had so much inside her eyes._

  
_"What are you thinking of?"_

  
_Ray sighed._

  
_"I'm tired. . So you. "_

  
_She chuckled kindly. (It was always 'kindly' with Monah. She even apologized when she had the slightest hiccups or sneezes. )_

  
_"I wish you didn't have to work so hard. . " She sighed. "Why do they have to make you do everything?" She leaned to his head, which was on her lap, and pressed a soft kiss on his head._

  
_Ray smiled, then answered._

  
_"Because I know things. . At least. . I think I. . Should be useful. So that I don't get weak,"_

  
_"You do know things, baby. Stop being so hard on yourself, please? You're the smartest person I've ever met. I really. . " She stopped herself._

  
_"You really. . ?"_

  
_"I've spent almost five months here, now. And I know that this is sudden but. . I think I have actually. . Fallen for you."_

  
_Ray stopped for a second, just like her. Everything stopped inside the huge room, and the clean, made bed of hers. Ray lifted himself from the bed and sat next to her, looking directly at her eyes; both sharing the same look._

  
_"I'm sorry. " She breathed out, continuing._

  
_"I know I'm clueless compared to you and I'm weird, not always so great looking and that I always worry and I'm so sorry. . I wish I didn't even--"_

  
_His lips were so soft, she could swear. They felt like they were pumping happiness inside her body, something that was from another galaxy to her. Something above all, even nature and maybe, everything. She could smell his scent, the wonderful smell that he always had; his cologne - tarc no. 89, it was blissful- and his natural scent. Lord, he was so pretty. He was so beautiful and she felt lucky knowing that he was there with her._

  
_That he was there to share all these days with her, to create memories; to have their own dreamland filled with sunrays and his perfect voice, the one that could make her feel safe to the core. The vibrations of his voice when he said her name: Mo- Nah. Mo was bitter, Nah was calmer and more tender. It was almost like it was fragile, he said it so tenderly, she wanted to hear him say her name every time. Mo- Nah._  
_Mo- Nah. The feeling of joy inside his soul, the one who could start thousands of hurricanes inside his head, the name that could sink millions of ships: Monah._  
_The name that could stop the wind from moving the idiotic tree branches that felt creepy to Ray, the name that could be the avalanche of a miraculous wreck: Only to open a new page. He never thought that one word could be so powerful to him, so changing._

  
_Every word was alright._

  
_Every, as in every._

  
_Sun, moon, elixir, daffodil, rose, daisy, lily, hack, tulip, forest, seven, thunder, cloud, paradise, mother, magenta, orchid, violet, savior. . . Every._

  
_But when it came to the word Monah, the blood inside his veins stopped; no different than his breathing. He felt every single thing inside his life stop, as if each worry were nothing but limited drops of rain that barely touched the soil and didn't even make it wet, nothing ever mattered more than that. Monah was a line. And when it was crossed, all could stop and he would have to draw it again and again until everyone knew that._

  
_It made him happy. She made him happy._

  
_He guessed that was the mystery of her._

  
_She smiled. She smiled wider and wider, repeating the words._

  
_"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. . " Kisses and embraces were the rest of the things that were shared that day, along with nothing but love._

  
_"Too. Too. Too. Too. . "_

  
_"Tell me more about your plants."_

  
_The same scenery took place, only with reversed roles and a month later.. Saeran rubbed his thumb on her scalp for her to be cozy with her head on his lap, her wavy dark brown hair feeling like soft twiners at the tip of his thin, slender fingers. Her hair and his fingers felt completing to him, he loved how godly they felt within his touches._  
_His other hand was on her bare shoulder, caressing it with the care he would show to the job his savior gave him and the carefulness he showed while he was behind his second persona._

  
_"What exactly do you want to hear, Monah?"_

  
_He kept feeling the silky skin of her shoulder, -something else he loved was the natural tan she had, even though she despised it a lot._

  
_"I don't know. . Maybe about how much you love them. I like it when you talk about things that you are passionate about. "_

  
_"I can talk about you for days."_

_"Ha. I. . You are so special. Please know that. " She whispered, cupping his face with both her hands. "Please stop being so unfair to yourself. . It breaks my heart to see someone so perfect to harm themself,"_

  
_Ray grabbed one of her hands courteously, only to place loving, orgastic kisses on it constantly._

  
_"Stop trying to shut me up with kisses. . Again."_

  
_He laughed silently._

  
_"But it worked last night, didn't it?"_

_"I'd laugh too if it weren't me who was sore. Ha- Ha."_

  
_"Sorry. . "_

  
_She wrinkled her nose slowly, then started to play with the blue rose he always had._

  
_"No reason for you to be, baby. But we should start being more careful. Much more careful. "_

  
_"I'm sorry. . I know you can't get the pills but I am being careful, don't worry."_

  
_She smiled._

  
_"No, not that. I mean, I'm talking about. You. You always sneak in here almost every night, what if someone sees you? What if she does?"_

  
_"Why do you think that she will hate us if she sees me? Us together?"_

  
_"I just. . " She sighed. "I know. The moment she sees us, she'll use it so that you work even harder than you are. I just don't want to become another burden or a threat to you. And the moment she doesn't get what she wants, we will be seperated, you know that right?"_

  
_Ray sighed, he hated when she spoke badly of his savior. Monah and his savior weren't the best duo, so they -Monah and Ray- agreed to stay off the topic as much as possible. However, sometimes it was inevitable._

  
_"Don't talk like that about her. . I understand, but she wouldn't do that. Not to me. And especially to you, you know that right? I will never let anyone give you a hard time. She loves me. And I love you. She does love you,"_

  
_"It doesn't work that way," She breathed out._

  
_"There are no buts, Monah, " He furrowed his brows. " I will always protect you. Do you hear me? I will never let anyone to touch a single strand of your hair, okay? Never. "_

 _"_ _. . What if she wants you to?" She muttered, unsure._

  
_Ray stopped for a second, only to answer in a minute after some thinking._

  
_"Then you leave." He pointed out, with slight hesitation in his voice._

  
_"I'm not going anywhere without you." She said, plainly and with confidence._

  
_This time, he was quick to reply as he was back to caressing and playing with her long hair with compassion but more impotantly so sure of what he was about to say, it was almost scary._

  
_"Then we leave."_

  
_A year had passed since they have met, and 3 months since Monah started her mission as the special missionary. Seven since Monah and Ray begun a literal honeymoon of love, four since Ray started to think that he loved her too much, three since Monah realized that she did love him too much. Two since Ray managed to gift her a promise bracelet -he beat himself a lot because he wanted to give her a ring too, however Monah was quick to reassure him that she was happier this way.-, and one month since Monah wanted to leave this place with him._

  
_She snuggled on his chest, wrapping her arm tighter around his chest as his hand quickly found it's place on her back, as usual._

  
_"Why can't you ever leave? Why can't we ever leave?"_

  
_He sighed._

  
_"No, Monah. Why do you want to leave paradise so much? "_

  
_"I thought that you would,"_

  
_"I would. In a very terrible situation."_

  
_"This place isn't good for you."_

  
_"Not always. . Maybe. But it's paradise, a gift. It's safe. For me. And for you. " He pressed a kiss on her forehead. "They can never take you from me as long as we're here and together. As long as we're in paradise."_

  
_"No one is trying to take me away. And this place isn't safe. You keep getting sick because of that crap and I almost OD'd because of that crap."_

  
_He winced when he remembered that day, when a believer mixed some of the elixir inside her food. It wasn't that much but she had sensitivity towards the elixir, so by the time he found her, she was already out. He could never forget the fear and the adrenaline he felt that day, the hysteria that came from the possibility of losing her. ._

  
_"Mint Eye has enemies." He muttered, coldly. ("And devout believers." He wanted to say. )_

  
_Monah sighed. "And do you?"_

  
_"Yes."_

  
_"Yes?"_

  
_"I thought that you wanted me to be honest,"_

  
_"Okay. Why do you have enemies?"_

  
_"I've been. . Betrayed. "_

  
_"Who are they? How were you--"_

  
_"Please. Just. ."_

  
_She took a deep breath. "Okay. I'm sorry if I was too hard on you or too curious."_

  
_"No, no. . You're just looking out for me. That's all I can ask for, flower. It's just, not so easy to talk about. It's probably because I was being an airhead and I--"_

  
_"No."_

  
_She moved towards his neck, placing kisses and muttering._

  
_"I love you. I love you. I love you. "_

  
_"Too. Too. Too. " He smiled._

  
_"No. . I really do, Ray. I love you so fucking much. And I just want you to know. . . I would do everything for you, okay? I just want to be fully happy and healthy. Please consider my words, okay? Sometime. . "_

  
_"Okay. I will, flower. I love you too. And you know that I am always going to keep my promise. I will protect you. I will never, ever let someone hurt you--"_

  
_"No."_

  
_"What?"_

  
_"Protect you first."_

  
_"I don't matter."_

  
_"Then I don't either,"_

  
_"Are you doing this on purp--"_

  
_"Let's have a deal," She lifted her head for a second and looked at him straight in the eyes._

  
_"You protect me and I protect you."_

  
_He smirked happily._

  
_"Okay."_

  
_"Okay?"_

  
_"Okay. "_

  
_"Promise me that you'll be more careful with yourself. You matter to me. You are the one I love, how can I ever think that you're a moron?"_

  
_"I promise."_

  
_May 2014, a lot happened on May 2014. It was their happiest month however also the last month of their honeymoon._

  
_"The last one, I swear, flower."_

  
_Monah smiled but also sighed, adjusting her pose once again._

  
_Her dark blue lingerie fit all her curves sharply as she lay on the bed, where the beautiful, tender moonlight hit the best. Her dark brown hair was englightened with the rays of moonlight and all the stars as she posed laying on her stomach with a seductive stance and an even more seductive, killing look inside her eyes; looking at the center of the camera he held._

  
_Her lingerie was almost fully transparent, so he had a quite difficult time being patient, unlike other nights. But he had to, since the whole purpose of this was to have her all the time with him and to have. . A bit more motivation._

  
_"There. Now, lay down and wait for me angel. I'll be with you in two."_

  
_Ray then placed the camera down slowly, taking off his jacket as well. He started to undress himself from the exhaustion of the day. It felt like the longest one ever since she got here, that's why he planned to take things very slow that night. They didn't usually have a pattern when it came to the sex, it depended on the time they had. Sometimes it was quick and sometimes it was slow._

  
_Slow felt better since he felt like he could actually show her how much he adored her body in that one, however each moment was a memory to remember and another wonderful thing about her amazing body._

  
_Once he unbuckled his belt, he looked behind slowly at the fucking fantastic silhouette of hers, waiting to be claimed by him once again._

  
_"I love you. I love you. I love you."_

_"Too. Too. Too."_

  Saeran woke up with sweat all over him, thinking how he was fucking that traitor just a month ago. Airhead. Traitor.  
He then walked into the cold, welcoming shower and started to run his mind along with the water. It all went so fast. Too fast. It already had been a month since she was gotten rid off. . Finally. Saeran focused all his energy on work for an unknown reason, so he couldn't have a grip on time. . But also, the elixir.  
That made him realize that he felt. . Less blurry. And his head aches were less often. Maybe. . The traitor had one, just one, point. Or simply he didn't need it since he was strong now. Yes, the second was better. He was too strong for the elixir. Dot.  
So when believer A78 came with another dose, he simply poured it on the stupid daffodil in the room. Without knowing that it would change everything.

_Everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I would like to thank my great friend for helping me get the idea for this chapter. I was in a writer's block for a while and she just gave me this good idea that I can't wait to write more of, so here you go.


	5. Sunrise.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sun rises, and nothing is the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ: This one is kind of long but I really wanted to give a perspective of Monah's life before Saeran and Mint Eye, hashtag development. And no worries, I do have plans for the ofc couple™️ of this fic however I like to build and crash angst more; so please be patient loves. It's not too far away (the reunion) and that's all I can say. Have a great day and I hope you enjoy this chapter. x

Light and the huge paintings on the ceiling. There's a nude woman wearing only slight makeup and a devilishly red lipstick with a huge, breathtakingly bright necklace with a mind stealing diamond. The woman holds a metalic glass of wine (?) as other around her, also nude, drink from those glasses as if they were thirsty for ages. The woman is also seen feeding others in an another painting, this time wearing a dress as white as the sail of a brand new, expensive ship. On the last of the three paintings that covered the enormous and aestheticly stunning ceiling of the room, she spotted the pinkest sky she could ever see and a perfectly represented sunrise. This time, the same blonde woman with green eyes that could make you want to drown inside them was seen kneeling on the floor next to someone with a dark blue- night blue, to be exact- robe. She held his face and seemed to make him happier with a touch. She had green gloves on this time, she was actually dressed in all green and everyone had the look of pure pleasure and relief inside their eyes. The paintings were really something, beautifully crafted but more importantly, was a story themselves.

  
Those were the first things Monah saw. But with the sudden conciousness after being out for a while and the hysteria that stood inside her concious. .

  
_"I love you. I'm doing this for you. "_

  
_"You hold her legs and I'll hold her wrists. Such a fighter, huh?"_

  
She found herself jumping from the sudden impact inside her mind and felt like her lungs couldn't get enough oxygen. Then was pretty quick to grasp the fact that she felt extreme pain, which made her gag reflexively, loudly. She kept taking deep breaths to calm down, however was interrupted again when she heard loud and fast footsteps coming towards the all white room. (The only flashes of colour were a minty colour and magenta. And slight yellow and green, on pillows.)  The curtains were fully closed and darkness reigned in the room, even though it was day according to the antique clock on the wall. (All these elements felt more tensing than they should have been.)

  
She tried to remember, tried to get up, -to fail miserably- she tried to just geniunely use her logic to understand everything. Like this place or why she had two serums attached to both her arms, one right and one left. The liquid was a fade shade of blue, dripping slowly. She really tried to force herself to think of every single possibility, to run her mind. Tried to erase possibilities by eliminating, tried to look at her surroundings more clearly, to do anything other than staring at the ceiling blankly--

  
The door opened to reveal a girl with auburn, bright hair with the eyes of an mind stealing primadonna. For a minute, the room was all about the stares that went in it. Monah's clueless and tense looks, with the girl's worried ones. Monah tried to talk first however her mouth felt too dry and she felt simply deprived.

  
"My god, " The girl muttered, hoping for Monah to not hear it, unfortunately it was an empty attempt.

  
She then tried to lighten up the mood by smiling, like her savior usually told her to, and moved towards the girl as she went on the thing she was doing for the past weeks. Only this time, the new believer was awake.

  
_"A phoenix sent from hell into heaven,"_ Savior always said, about her.

  
"Relax, " Ana said with a silent mutter, however even her voice -even though it was a soft one with only a little bitterness- didn't make anything more bearable.  
Ana first started with giving her some water to see if she was too dehydrated to talk, then started to check other things-- blood pressure, her elixir intake, the other medicine to make her system more welcoming to the liquid salvation . .

  
"The savior is busy right now, so I am going to ask you a few questions. "

  
Ana did this to her before too-- when she mixed the elixir inside her food with a fellow believer. Of course then, her body was weaker and she was an actual demon from outside of Magenta, so she tried to understand if something was left behind. To see if her head really was filled with her savior and all the wonderful necessity of Mint Eye.

  
". . Uh, yes?"

  
_More obedient._ Ana wrote down on the small, old notepad she always carried with her.

  
"What is the last thing you remember? What exactly can you tell me about your life before. . You were here?"

  
Monah thought for a minute, forcing her mind. It all felt too hard and unbearable, just racing her mind for a little information was painful. She was trying to remember something certain, something easy. The last thing she recalled shouldn't have been so hard, so far away. . So unknown. It shouldn't have been such a challenge that caused her head to feel a pain that felt like a million needles were there instead of her brain.

  
Everything felt blurry, so. . Far, far away. Like she was detached from all, maybe from the thing called reality. It was always a funny thing to her anyway, considering that half of her life went with denial of certain issues that were caused by people and her, Monah always found solace in solitude. Her thoughts that destroyed her good heart day by day, also had the power of crafting it back again and again-- to crash it again and again. It was like a carousel that you could never get off.

  
Reality was a tender subject during her childhood because of her father's constant absence that was caused by his alcohol intake and her mother's isolation from all her children. She wasn't an unloving mother like everyone told her, actually Monah did have a fair amount of good memories with her. She was the second child of a family with four children, so she witnessed more than a lot of people including other relatives. Her mother looked exactly like her, actually it was a funny thing that ran in the mother's side of the family. Almost all girls looked alike, mother like grandma; Monah like her mother; her little sister like both. All girls.

  
  That made things more complicated, especially when her mother got sick. It wouldn't be as devastating as it sounded if she only had cancer, -stage four, breast- but when her mother actually understood that she was going to die, she developed manic depression which led her to isolate herself and leave all her four children with her sadistic, narcissistic, quite alcoholic husband. (If he wasn't an alcoholic, they would have all died, probably. That caused him to be missing for a while and they managed to live better when he was away.) After she was eight, all Monah could remember was helping her grandma raise of all her siblings- which was something her older brother had helped with, until he ran away- , working to provide money and food to her family, trying to get strong painkiller and antidepressants for her mother. . Her life was that, until she was sixteen. . She was always, ever since she was a child, shy. Someone who needed to be pushed into a crowd, always a thinker. Her words never left her head, only to thrive inside ther. She always thought everything through, always kept everything inside. Tried to let her inner, the better, persona to fix everything for her.  
At times, it was wonderful. How she managed to control all her horrifying thoughts, all those intrusive thoughts, the nightmares, thoughts that made her feel nothing but fear and hatred towards herself; thoughts that would make her tears come alive in the darkest, latest hours of the night with a silence only a god could craft, so that no one thought that there was something wrong.

  
They couldn't afford wrong. Monah couldn't afford wrong. 'Wrong' wasn't even a chance that existed, everything had to right. Everything had to be as good as possible or there wouldn't be anything to make good as possible. After her brother left when she was sixteen, she was the only one her grandma could count on, and. .

  
_She looked so much like her mother._

  
The only one her father could throw shit at and to her, thankfully the only one he did in the house. She let him yell at her until he passed out. He was always a pig to her mother and now, he had a new prey. Almost the same as the old one, which made her father give up on the fact that she was her child quite easily.

  
Her mind kept her sane, however also played with the strings inside to test her towards insanity-- that's why she liked to live there too, to leave her life and bad thoughts and all the worries because inside her head, she could imagine too. She could dream, dream a little of the things she could be. Dream a little to keep her heart rich.

  
  She never liked reality much, but now, she would appreciate it a lot.

  
As she kept trying to search for a connection, someone cleared their throat from the door.

  
"I'll take it from here, believer. You may go rest, if you are done with her check up."

  
Monah raised one of her brows with deep suspicion as Ana started to leave, and another woman replaced her. Blonde, blessed with a porcelaine skin, with eyes as green as a roaring panthers.

  
For a while, there was nothing but silence. Not the type of an awkward one or an angry one. Just silence as both women simply tried to analyze the other. Both women, who knew that sometimes silence was stronger than words.

  
"I'm sorry about her," Rika started, keeping her voice as loving and motherly as possible.

  
"She's just. . A rookie here. Clueless. " She added, taking a look at Monah's eyes.

  
Monah kept her silence but kept taking deep breaths to lower her anxiety level as much as possible, (It didn't work. Not at all.) as Rika started to walk towards her like a snake crawling to it's prey.

  
Pain. All the blurriness. The headache, the missing parts, the strange feeling. . She does remember. She remembers one thing. _Pain_.

  
"Just. . Who are you?" Monah whispered, since her voice still cracked.

  
"Who am I? Oh, my baby, " Rika gasped, getting even closer to her to finally cup her face in her warm hands. (Her face was still a little bruised.)

  
"I'm so sorry. . I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you from them, I'm sorry I failed, God; look at you. Just so precious and lovable. . But so unprotected at the same time. I should have, I should have known that they would try to do. . "

  
"What are you talking about?"

  
Rika wiped her tears slowly for more dramatic effect, then spoke.

  
"What is the last thing you remember, my love?"

  
_My love. . ?_

  
"It's not very clear. . But. Uh, I think there was. . A man. "

  
Rika raised her brow.

  
"A man? It could be the one who tried to _destroy_ you, darling. Could you desribe him, if it's not too much?"

  
"Of course."

  
Much more obedient; so much more, it almost made Rika smile in awe.

  
"I remember a purple. . Magenta, yes. Magenta jacket. And he was yelling and pushing me but I don't think I remember him by that. . "

  
Rika almost let her eye twitch. Almost. _Saeran_ just never, ever left her mind even though Rika gave her a whole batch of fifteen huge bottles for her cleansing and much more while she was resting.

  
Rika emptied her mind, she took it away; she took everything away-- yet, there he was. _Always being the unnecessary tool he was meant to be._

  
"What do you mean?"

  
"I don't think that's the reason why I remember him. And then there were. . "

  
"People who dragged me somewhere, then they pulled me from somewhere. . Ah, I remember pain. "

  
"Someone stabbed me, over and over in. . " She looked down at her abdomen, then lifted the nightgown a little, only to gasp; horrified.

  
Her abdomen, her legs, her thighs, her ankles, her belly. . There wasn't anywhere that was clear.

  
She looked up at the blonde with her gaze full of fear, which made the woman come up to her and wrap her arms around her.

  
"It's okay. . You're safe. I saved you. " Rika caressed her hair fastly to calm her. "I saved you, I saved you from those demons, my child. You were gone outside of the paradise, with all those airheads who were clueless about what was good for them. "

  
". . Paradise?"

  
"Yes, my angel; my Monah, paradise. You're back in paradise now, the actual paradise that has been waiting to save you for so long. . I saved you. I saved you from the torture they put you through. "

  
When Rika heard nothing but silence, she kept talking as she held her in her arms; she didn't move.

  
_For the first time, Monah was embracing Rika. For the first time, she didn't try to push her away, not calling her mental, not calling her a snake, or insane. ._  
_It was working. It was going to work. Perfect. It was going to be perfect. She had to push a little more. . **Much more.**_

  
_"_ I will tell you everything, Monah. They all left you. Everyone did. Even you, for starters. . Because when I first saw you, my, you were so weak. So sad and angry at those outsiders, at the world that has spit on you countless times because of the angel you were. But I saw you. . And I understood you because I am your Savior, Monah; my perfect, naive Monah. I found you right after your grandma died, you were so afraid. . Not because you lost her, no. "

  
"You know, humans are selfish. No need to be ashamed of it-- it's nature. You were crying because no one was going to love you anymore. No one could give you or fill the emptiness your family has created, the dark feeling inside of you that your father's empty whiskey bottles fed for years. . The way they all wanted you gone, the way they hated you. . They hated you. Like you were a piece of gum underneath a crappy shoe. "

  
She kept her silence, so Rika moved on.

  
"Do you know how sad you were? How terrified you were of the world? Weak. My Monah, my star; you were a prey to everyone. But the moment I saw you, I knew that you needed to be saved. If I wouldn't who would? You were tired, too fragile. . " She kept running her hand in her hair, while she pressed a kiss on her head. She looked at Monah to check on her at times, was relieved when she was listening and simply just leaving her body to Rika.

  
"You couldn't do it, because you were weak. You couldn't choose what was right for you anymore--You're crazy, love. You're insane, you needed help. And I gave you what you needed. "

  
"You were the worst crazy the world could ever see, Monah. You were aggressive and such an anarchist, you yelled at everyone who tried to help, you rejected the paradise, people who simply wanted to help you. . Your insanity almost cost your life, you were stupid. "

  
"You wanted to have things in order, you wanted a perfect life for yourself, you wanted things to stay organised. . You wanted to stay in control. But the more you wished for that. . It drove you crazy."

  
Rika slightly smiled when she heard her breath deepen, then went on for the punchline the both knew that was coming.

  
"Congratulations, you lost it. It ate you inside and out. You lost it, Monah. That's why I had to save you from that hell and bring you here, to paradise. To your home, where you truly belonged and where you were crafted for. . I saved you from those who had no mercy towards you. I saved you from that liars who tortured you for hours, who stabbed you with nothing but bitterness, who wanted crack all your bones until you no longer lived. Now-- You are already a threat to yourself, but I think that trigerred people; don't you think? You did all those things to yourself, you made me save you from your stupid decisions. You were always so irresponsible and careless. . "

  
"Anyways, after I saved you and brought you to paradise, you were still being insane. You tried so much to ruin things here. . This is how crazy you are. This is the psychopath you are, how lonely and damaged you are. And then I cleansed you. I cleansed you from your insanity, I cleansed your unbeliveably stupid thoughts, I cleansed your weak soul."

  
"I filled you. . With love, with passion, with affection and. . "

  
"Me and a brand new _devotion_ that waits for you to explore, _test it's darkest limits._ "

  
Rika waited. For a sound, an emotion, anything. Her eyes still looked away, she was in a good state to obey now. Her mind was probably no different than a water puddle. Just when she was about to go, she felt something cling onto her arm. _Her_.

  
"Don't. Just. . Don't go. " She looked like she was about to cry, so as Rika nodded confidently.

  
  "I'm going to take great care of you, okay? I will never let you think about anything, I will never let your worries and all your crazy taking over you. . I'm always going to save you, no matter what. Do you understand?"

  
"Yes, **_savior_**."

  
"And all you need to do is to obey me. Obey me, and I will give you all the happiness in the world. I will show you the paradise of the paradise. I will take you, my star; and turn you into the sun. "

  
"Yes, **_savior_**."

  
Rika caressed her cheek, lovingly. Finally, hers to claim. Finally facing her darkness, her wrath and her worth.

  
"Rest up, my star. Remember, I saved you. You love me. You will cherish me, listen to what I say. "

 

"You will fulfill me,"

 

" _You will. . Love me_."

 

**_"Forever, savior."_ **


	6. Author's note!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note. Updates coming this week!

Hello! I'm sorry to dissappoint you. First of all, I'm so sorry for being absent. It's just that a lot has been happening and couldn't keep up. But I missed this story a lot! And I love everyone of you guys who read, leave a kudos and comment. Thank you for taking your time!! Anyway, this week I'll be making a double update. I'm working on the first one and it will be a long one. The first may be a bit boring because a story needs fillers too, but it'll include an amazing character addition! Again, I have so much in my mind and I can't wait for you to see it. Things are going good. But will get tenser. And tenser because angst is a need that I can fulfill by writing more and more only. Oops. Also, know that the main ship will always be Monah and Saeran. Always. Even though I have fillers, that is only because I want them meeting to have a meaning and to not be dry. We stan quality angst in this house. I really just want to make sure that they are in character.

Good things are coming.

So thank you for being patient and so amazing. With love, Arya.


	7. Solitude, at what cost? Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With his new sobriety, Saeran is stuck inside his head; just when an unfamiliar but familiar face shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ BEFORE READING THE CHAPTER!  
> Hello everyone! I missed posting. Okay, so this is a long arse filler. I know and I'm both sorry and not sorry because I want to keep this book real. I don't want to fix things in a chapter or things happening too easily. So please be patient loves!! Thank you for reading. ALSO, a huge kudos to Ray for giving me amazing ideas and for letting me use her OC Rach!

  Saeran sighed, looking at the time once again before he tried to snap out of himself again. Three in the morning; the blunt, oblivious and the merciless hour. As the purple sky showed signs of clearness from the small window inside his room, Saeran kept biting the skin around his nails to calm himself down. Truly, it had no effect. He had so little time, so little space, so little good and so little of himself. And anything else was. .

Anything but not him. Just like the other voices inside his head, just like the other thoughts he had; just like his shattered excuse for a personality. Maybe a mirage, maybe they were just terrifying mirages from his worst dreams.

Saeran counted with his fingers once again. One, two, three, four. .

Twenty days without the elixir. And he felt. . It wasn't like him but he was still him. Was he still him? He would guess so but all these new thoughts and the new. . Way of his understanding of reality, such as his curiousity about the outside world rising or how he started to get irritated by the people around him. And the way how they had started to not make sense in any sense of logic-- such as thinking that if they lived in a fake harmony that they have produced with a bottle, everything would be alright.

Saeran rubbed his head, it hurt like crazy for the few days, at first he was clueless but with time; he realized that there was increasement in his activity. Activity in general, he hacked faster, he thought faster, calculated faster. .

He thought. He thought and thought. He realized that he could actually realize things on his own, so he took notes each day. He noticed that with every day, the pattern of his mind changed. It grew better, he could do a lot of things he found difficult before. Saeran found himself thinking the depths of this place and himself, of his past, of Rika and of every single possibility of what his past could and future can be. He found himself analysing the facts and the theories, the timeless beliefs he had; only to question. He was in a state of questioning, however he knew he had to get out before it was too late. This state was in between, and he knew that. He didn't have time for in between.

As a matter of fact, time felt too distant now. He had lost track of what was happening or what he felt about it, since Rika never let him have the second option. He looked up the sky.

Rika. It was Rika, wasn't it? The name she was referred to before she became. . Someone else. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe was. (In between.)

In the twentieth night, he wrote in his notebook again like all the days he was clean.

_Night Twenty_

_Rika. V. Rika was his fiancée . Yoosung's, that college student, cousin. She was abused. She saved you from your mother. She has Mint Eye. You hack._

_. ._

_Do you want to hack?_

_Do you want to stay?_

. .

_Saeran Choi. Ray. Unknown._

_Who are you. Who are you?_

Night twenty one was different. He ate mashed poratoes and some tomato bread, which was good. Rika didn't leave her room nowadays and he was okay with it. It gave him time to handle things and keep his mind balanced. The tomato bread was nice. It was made with the tomatoes from the garden, they were big and organic; which made it tastier. The food was made by the girl helping the kitchen, Rach. (Number A745.) Saeran didn't have much of an encounter with her, however she was better than a lot of people in Mint Eye; at least felt better to him. When he went to the big, antique kitchen to get food he could see something in her eyes. Something that made her different from the other sheeps, something untouched. Has she ever been cleansed, he wondered. Has she been taking her elixir, he thought. He knew what the medical consequences were and saw none. It wasn't like he cared-- or was going to specifically pay attention to her. He went to the kitchen, sometimes muttered a quick " _Hello_ ," which got replied with a simple " _Hi_ ," and then she would always try to keep the conversation going with questions such as _"Didn't see you much lately, what have you been up to?", "I tried to prepare some dressing for the salad, what is your favourite dressing again?", "I'm not very good at this but uh, I hope you don't hate it.", "You seem tired. I think you should get some rest, I'm sure someone would like that,"_ or simply a _"Take care. You have to."_ Saeran never quite understood her, she was one of the strangest people he has ever encoountered. He didn't know when she arrived, what she did before or anything else. Her information on the data base weren't only just limited, it only contained the basics. Twenty years old, bulgarian, with the last name Vanakov. . Maybe there were more information, he could have erased some himself.

When he took too much of it, he couldn't remember some things. Maybe he could check out her file later on, after his headache was gone.

Sometimes Saeran replied to her, sometimes he didn't. However he always wanted to keep things short so mainly he muttered a quick " _Thank you_." Then left the room.

He knew she watched each step of his.

He counted his fingers. Ten. The tiles on the ceiling, forty. The small cherry blossoms on the small trinket on his desk, sixty. He was okay, no elixir. None. He thought that he felt his mind going on a wider range; as if he could break free from something. As if he was growing with an aspect of spiritual activity he never felt before, the dogmatic side leaving and something fresh coming. Maybe with the slight hint of Saeran and no one else.

The unwanted thoughts, terrors and the devil did make him shiver at night without the elixir. The devil was clever definitely, always going by the stereotype a lot of people couldn't figure out. Giving the promise of a peaceful paradise, laughter and love; built by fear, tears and the blood, the body of the sinner pleading the devil for the paradise. For all of that, the devil asked for one thing and that was obedience. But _an infinite, devoting; life eating obedience._

His head rose.

_Night Twenty One_

_Shut up. There is no devil. No. YOU ARE THE DEVIL!_

_She is._

_Monah did all of, no. She did none!_

_Rach is just this gone girl from home, I can recall hearing something like that. Rika took her in. She appeared one night all of a sudden._

_Odd. Odd girl, definitely._

_Monah isn't the devil. I'm sorry. Why did I say that? I am._

_I'm getting better. I'm supposed to. Have to._

_It's five in the morning and I've come to the conclusion -a certain one- that the elixir was never good for me. Never. I feel like I can feel my surroundings, I have connections with reality that I've never had before; as long as I can recall. I feel detached yes, however closer than ever. I will beat you._

_I will beat you. Devil._

_I will be Saeran. I will be just and only Saeran. I will overcome these demons, these visions and these thoughts. I will overcome, I will run, I will run until my feet hurt._

It was almost six when he walked out of his room after another night without that idiotic screen. Without hacking. Without tearing himself apart on purpose, more notably. His feet took him to the kitchen, he only wanted to have some breakfast for later before everyone else came. They annoyed him a lot lately and frankly he still wanted to strangle the guy who tore apart her dress. However he couldn't handle his violent self at the moment.

The kitchen was how it was, the sun rays hitting the stash of plates, the sound of the boiling hard boiled eggs, three believers chopping some fruits and vegetables; everything felt normal. Saeran walked to the counter for the bag Rach always prepared for him with the things he liked, some toast, apple slices, tea and jam. Sometimes a pear would be in there too.

He took the bad in his hands rapidly as if someone was there to watch, then started to walk out of the room slowly this time as if he wasn't the person who he was a few seconds ago. Saeran started to notice that his personality had no balance at all, yes, and he was working on that too. It didn't function now but hopefully it would. He tried to slow down. Easy steps. Slow breaths.

Easy.

Going to the kitchen, taking the bag, being a regular soul and going back to the room should have been easy. However he felt someone holding his arm and without even a simple breath or glance, he was pulled into another room.

Funny story, this room was officially going to be the cleansing room. The paintings that were glorified with the symbolism behind them on the ceiling, the huge windows and the early drafts on the iris in the centre of the circular room. Saeran took a second, a very short second, to take a look at the paintings on the ceiling since the only complete things in the room were them except for the early blueprints that were everywhere. (A mess. It made him very uncomfortable.)

Rika wearing white and shown as the healer, as always. The others adoring her as she 'heals' someone out of their own mental, psychological or logical challange. When she takes a pit of darkness, sadness or the slightest doubt and fills it with a desire to adore; to obey. Saeran felt. . Uncomfortable looking at them. Was he?

No.

Yes.

He didn't know.

With the rememberance of the fact that he was pulled into a room and wasn't alone during the terrible, suffocating sunrise; he felt the need to question. He turned his head towards the entrance, then snapped with a rightful reason in his perspective.

"What the hell?"

Medium, green eyes. Bold brows, soft looking lips that match the face; brown hair and those brows that made her look angry all the time. Pissed. She always looked pissed, for some reason.

She rolled her eyes quickly, maybe not wanting him to notice. Or maybe she was careless. He couldn't quite tell.

"Okay grey hair, listen to me now," She snapped, being a completely opposite person of what she was earlier.

Saeran bit his lower lip angrily, "First-- What the fuck?"

She smiled, obviously because of the anger building inside of her.

"Oh I will explain. You just wait. Or. . Don't, " She stopped for a second. Furrowing her brows in a way as if she tried to focus. "Shit," She muttered.

Saeran raised his brows however remained silent.

After getting out of her odd state, she pushed him towards the wall; only this time being much more forceful and seeming much stronger.

"I tried to do help. I tried the good. The neutral, anything but bad stuff. Because I, I was being a decent person and a good. . Good friend."

"Again, for the love of god, Rach-- What the fuck? You answer me."

She looked at him with annoyance, an unknown bitterness that he bet that was geniune and disbelief.

"You know what the fuck it is. You know what the shit it is. You know what you fucking did."

He furrowed his brows.

"I can't tell if you're trying to drive me crazy or something-- But if you are, you're doing a great job, Myspace." Rach hissed, tightening her grip.

"Will you stop babbling?" He snapped.

She smiled angrily once again only to stop herself, going back to her seriousness. (It drove him crazy.)

She asked angrily but tenderly, with the hint of worry but anger was the heavy presence.

"Where is she?"

Saeran stopped.

"Where the fuck. . Where is she?" She continued, waiting for an answer.

Breathing, thinking, existing in the present moment; to carry his thoughts to the gone girl, the runaway, the undescribable.

"Did you do it? Give me a fucking answer! Did you do it? Is she alive? Fuck!" She yelled, only to get Saeran out of his thoughts and make him shush her.

"Shut up. Shut up. We can't talk here,"

"I'm not stupid, ass licker. We have to and no one will hear-- I know everyone's schedules. No worries."

Saeran made his lip into a line.

"Okay."

She raised her brow, slighly with the hint of fragileness.

"Did you do it?"

"You have no fucking right to ask that, you don't even know her! You're just another sheep! Just-- Who do you think you are to ask me about-" He snapped before he was interrupted.

"Monah, you dick! What the fuck did you do to Mon--"

Rach had a lot of struggles. During most of her life, with her parents, with her lifespan threatening job, with her friends, bartenders, mafia, with gangsters for a period of time. . (Lousy dudes. Crack heads. Gunshots in the ass. Really not fun.) But not a lot of them were as fucked up as the deal going on with the hacker fuck's brother.

"Get your hands off me!" She tried to yell, however the hands on her throat were a bitch.

"Stop saying her name, stop it. . " He kept whispering even though it felt louder. He was in a trance, in which he kept applying force on her neck with each syllable; Mo- Nah. Rach couldn't help but notice that maybe because of what she actually did for a living, however was quick to defend herself. She quickly kicked the back of his ankle with her heel, then went for a punch in the jaw. Just when she was about to hit him again, he looked up.

"I. I'm sorry."

She looked at him weirdly, rightfully.

"It's not fucking okay," She complained. "These will leave marks. I bet your savior will think that I slept with one of the idiot guards. You guys gossip a lot," She gulped. "And share a fair interest in choking-- Ouch."

"How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"That I was clean. Her. All these things that you're not supposed to know?"

"Oh, I played this game before." She pointed out.

" 'Game'? "

"I mean. I know things because knowing things that I'm not supposed to know is what I do for a living. . But I knew. Because when you have that drug, you see nothing but vengeance. Your darkest, deepest side corrupts you whether you are Ray or not. Vengeance becomes your motive. But when you don't, you're just the bitter hacker I guess."

Silence was present for a minute.

". . So," Rach started. "Did you buy that or. . ?"

Saeran sighed as he looked at the big hall, slightly opening the door.

  The rain didn't stop and neither did she. Saeran felt irritated by every action of hers and his room didn't even feel safe anymore. He took a sip of his tea.

"Fancy notebok you have in here," Rach reached for the cheap thin notebook on his bedside table only for him to hit her hand and place it in a near drawer.

"Okay-- If you're going to keep hitting me, stop saying sorry." She pointed out, rubbing her wrist.

"If you're going to keep playing with things that you should run from, I won't be." He added.

"That's deep," She rolled her eyes.

A minute of silence.

"Are you going to talk about it?" Saeran muttered.

"What?"

"Why are you here?"

"It's not what you think about. It's nothing you think of."

"Something I can learn of?"

"Get this wrong but just a month ago, you were kissing your savior's ass. I don't intend to tell you anything."

That wasn't likeable, but understandable. He didn't intend to get angrier however wanted to find out more. He knew the possibility of a relapse, however he also knew that he didn't actually know things. He only knew the illusion of knowing, what Rika showed him from a tiny hole.

Oh, right. Relapse.

He shook his head.

"Then why are you here? Why did you take me there?"

She sat on his bed. Unmade, uncomfortable. But it was still an object that gave her slight comfort.

Rach never felt such an uneasiness before-- She did, but this was a different one. Back then, she knew what she was doing. She knew what she needed to do, if she was enough. If she could manage to get herself and others out of the situation. She knew what was going to happen or where her efforts would lead her to. But this. .

This was complex. Sudden.

"If you know so much things, which you do, the why are you here?"

_December 2011_

_"Choi, are you all prepared? You know what will happen if we don't--"_

_"Chill, Vandy! Everything is set, except for the servers but that's for last minute anyway."_

_"Whatever, potato sack. We need to head there in two days. And the travel will last for a good sixteen hours so basically it was the last day. Do you have the codes you need with you?"_

_"Obviously."_

_"Good. The boss will be here in a few minutes, he'll probably want the last reports and discuss the plan again. Remember, I do the talking. I."_

_Saeyoung nodded as he placed his equipment back in the bag on the desk, he would try to go for a punchline however he hadn't slept in two days and if he could shut the fuck up the next few minutes, he would get a few hours._

_Lately, he was tormented by nightmares but also for what he became. It wasn't just simply what he did for a living now or what his life was; it was more. It was what he loved, lost and sacrificed. It wasn't only the screen that had more control than him or Vanderwood. Or the agency or his mind that was cursed with all these numbers and theories._

_It was the devil that grew within all of the above and maybe so much more that his unconcious kept hidden in a dark pit inside his brain. It was the selfishness this loneliness brought, the ambition the desire to survive brought, the envy that made him insane while he saw other people being 'other people'. The playgrounds children loved, the restaurants teens made out in, the offices adults worked in. Other people made being other people look so easy, other people made living so easy._

_He knew he wasn't a villain. He knew he was no good either, he knew what he was. The man behind the screen who could screw up lives forever however he wanted to, then repressed everything with humour to cover his desire to be gone._

_He shook his head._

_Not the time._

_"Good night, gentlemen. I will cut this short for your undeveloped brains," He said as he entered he room so fast, Saeyoung thought that he was hallucinating for a while. He was quick to gain his focus back, however._

_"Let me," Vanderwood muttered, gesturing Saeyoung to keep sitting._

_"Hello boss, I can start with the statistics of the last time if you--"_

_"Oh, no. I have another plan, so little time and that's why we'll have a quick chat. Thank you, however please be a listener today Vanderwood. Choi," He greeted._

_Saeyoung made an eye gesture to return that._

_"You're not going tomorrow. "_

_"Sir, we're ready. We can handle it, Choi knows how to get into the system--"_

_"They changed the whole thing, Vanderwood. No. They know we're coming, they know everything that's coming,"_

_"Then. . What do you suggest to fix that?" Saeyoung asked, just wanting the uncertain conversation to be over._

_Vanderwood threw him an annoyed look and mouthed a quick "Don't,", just when the other man in the room started to talk._

_"Good question-- I wish I had more time right now, however I need to go see the field workers reports in a few. However, I know. " He then walked to the big chalkboard in the crappy room and drew a sketch of the building they were going to supposedly go._

_"As you can see, everything is doubled.The men, the security wall, bastards even locked the water canal."_

_Vanderwood tried to draw a way in, however he was confused._

_"Then how are we supposed to. . ?"_

_"An insider," A foreign voice spoke, turning all the heads to her._

_"Just in time," The head of the agency spoke, "This is Rach. She'll guide us on this mission so we don't have a man left behind unlike the other time." He looked at Saeyoung._

_Saeyoung looked down._

_Then looked at Rach._

She had to come up with a thing. Something that wasn't 'your brother is gone'. Or 'I fucked your brother'. Or 'I wish I could protect him'.

"I have something personal going on with your savior. It was Rika, right?"

"Yes," He massaged his forehead. Savior. Rika.

It was Rika. It was always Rika.

"This isn't working." She pointed out.

He raised one of his brows. What was 'this' ?

"I know you want me to leave. I do too honestly, but I have an idea."

She went on as she sled to give him some space on the bed. He sad next to her.

"We ask each other four questions. Four- four, no lying. We get our answers and go back to our own ways."

No illusions, Saeran thought. Maybe. He didn't trust her but would she lie? It didn't really matter, since he really knew nothing at all about a lot of things. The smallest thing would probably be a gain.

"Okay."

God, she thought. He looks so much like him. Minus the emo stage.

"I go first," She started.

"Go ahead."

"For how long have you been clean?"

"21 days. My turn."

She nodded.

"Why are you here?"

"I did something wrong. That wrong has angered your savior and a lot of people and. . They took someone away from me. I'm here to have a very civilized 'chat' with her and. ." She sighed. "I don't think I can do it alone. My turn."

He could tell that she hated this. Also for some reason, that she was being honest. Why wasn't she lying?

"Who are you? One second you jump around with flowers, one second you're a fucking bastard, another you're depressed and another, you're emo. And don't give me the 'I don't know' or 'Shut up' crap; I know your actual name, Saeran. So spill the beans because I have been here for weeks and the gas money was expensive," She spat out, precisely being annoyed again. She wasn't like a lot of people he knew, she had a temper and yet she hated using it; so she simply stopped putting up with the crap a lot of people threw in front of her.

On the other hand, how did she knew that? Saeran could feel his muscles tensing a little, however he had to keep his head high. He was intimitated, but she didn't need to know that. Hell, especially she didn't need to know that. He tried to balance his breathing, thinking of an appropriate answer.

"Before I answer that, do you know--"

"I know your last name too." She nodded.

Crap. He couldn't stall her.

"I just want to be free. I used to be normal, before all of. . You know. But never free. This wasn't your question so just know, I only want to be me and I don't know who the fuck that is either. My turn."

As he thought, he passed her the glass of water that was on his desk.

"What exactly did Rika do? Do you think that someone is here?"

If only you knew, if only I had the guts to speak now. Or if only you wouldn't kick me out the minute you hear his name, Rach thought.

"No. The other people took him but if she didn't exist, nothing would ever happen. It happened because of her."

She shifted on her spot.

"Look into my eyes. For a second." She muttered quickly. He didn't get her purpose but did it anyway.

She looked in the blue orbs. It was surprising that they were that way, maybe they were lenses. It was strange, the same eyes and almost the same looks; but his glances were much more different than his. There was a blur; a symphony of uncertainity. You could see him look at you, however it felt blank. Empty.

"Did you kill that girl?"

Saeran didn't blame her for asking. He was a bastard to her and no different than an arse, she had the right to ask. Saeran didn't know anything anymore and he only knew that, but he. .

"No."

"Just no? You didn't give an order or anything?"

Saeran faked a laugh, "Do you think that she takes orders from me? Or anyone else? Are you that dumb?"

"She wanted her dead?"

"Obviously. Nothing happens without her consent."

She stood up, placing the glass on the table.

"Where did they bury her?" She looked at him, puzzled.

"That's three more questions," Saeran pointed out, however he knew where this was going and that was preferably why.

Rach faked a smile, "What the fuck ever, game is over. This. . All of this doesn't add up."

Saeran was all ears.

"What?"

"Do you know that girl. . In the kitchen, next to me?"

"Who?"

"That girl with red hair and those fake green lenses that everyone knows they're fake but she denies it?"

"A794?"

She rolled her eyes. "Typical. Oh! Ana! It's Anabel. Ana.-- I heard her talking about," She was thinking again.

"Her?"

"Yes. . But she stopped when she saw me and a few more people coming in, she didn't want us to know."

"Maybe it wasn't that much of a secret. A bitch died and that's it isn't it? Hell, maybe it was about you but you just want attention."

Saeran pinched himself. It was coming back and he could never stop him.

Rach stopped for a second, then sighed.

"Look, I'm not good at these. All these emotions and sticky stuff and maybe that was why that person is gone now. . But I will say one fucking thing to you. She loved you."

Saeran stayed silent.

"I don't know about what you feel towards her. But she fucking loved you. Crappy decision if you ask me but she did."

"I heard you guys walking down the garden at times. . One time. When I came, you were having the last days of the marshmallow boy. She said that she was never going to let go of you, no matter what happened. You promised. You did. You don't hate her,"

Saeran remained still.

"Those drugs are fucked up and your savior is worse. I really want to blame all of this on you but sadly I have a common sense of logic. But if you keep going on like this, everything will be. Find out what you want. Find out what you think. You need to pull yourself together. Do it to live. To be free. For you,"

"For her."

She finally walked towards the door only to stop once again, "And know this: Your situation and mine aren't so different. I could use your help and you could use mine. As far as I can see, you're alone. And in your state, I wouldn't reject the help,"

"Wait."

"Yeah?"

"Why is this. . Why did you talk about her? I thought that you were only here to kick Rika's arse or something,"

"She was a nice girl. We've spoken, once or twice; but,"

"I was among gangsters for years. And if I have learned something, that is the fact that no one is dead until you see the corpse. Did you?"

Silence.

"I thought so. You know where I am. Eight PM. Think. Write things down. Figure things out. If you come. . We're together in this. I'll help you and you'll help me."

The runaway left after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TEAM UP HOOKERS! sorry lmao okay.  
> I think that Saeran is too fragile and lonely so... Also the parallel is fun to write honestly. Didn't see that coming, did you? I want Saeran to figure himself out and his feelings fully before he mourns her fully because I think he'd have a lot to figure out if MC died. Basically, he's in the state of denial, however it's his kind of one. What is Pt. ll for?? Hint hint ;)  
> So part two will be mainly in Saeran's perspective too, if I don't change my mind which is not likely and later on if I'm lucky I might write another chapter! I have one request though, I had a massive writers block and this chapter took a while to write and the editing was a pain in the arse. Also I literally fought with my mom for the time I spent on the computer so please leave a comment! I love to get other opinions!!! With love xxx


	8. Solitude, at what cost? Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his long state of denial, the lost month he had thrown down the drain with the crappy coffee and the blankness he explored in himself; Saeran reminisces the past, what he did and most importantly-- What he didn't do.

  What now?

  
Saeran lay down on his bed for the thousandth time after checking up the security walls. He was too tired for the RFA, however there weren't any recent attacks from Saeyoung. It ticked him off a little but he had other things to sort out now. Something strange was present though; his anger to his brother. It wasn't like how it was, not. . Hate. He assumed. He noted that, _a descreasement in hate._

  
He didn't know why exactly he thought so, maybe it was all the time that has passed, or maybe his sobriety. Saeyoung didn't feel like an enemy, just a distant memory and a broken promise. Not like the worst person in the whole world, however Saeran still saw forgiveness as a challange. But he wouldn't just think of him as someone to. . Kill.

  
Killing. Hurting.

  
These things felt more distant each day when both were something he wouldn't hesitate to do just a month ago. He felt this urge that told him to stop yelling at nights, to stop blaming anyone else and to stop being that disgusting man. And certainly, it felt right.

  
He was a bad man. He was the unknown, the villain. The one who started it all with a burning feeling of carnage inside himself, turning him into some hybrid of a murderer and a dogmatic. Of this merciless, dangerous man who carried nothing but pride, only to cover up the lonely nights and the untaken revenge.

  
_I am a villain._ He wrote.

  
He was a bad man. He did bad things. He killed others to survive. He killed others to prove himself to a woman who had reclaimed herself as a prophet. To the false god. He hurt bad people, sinners. . He hurt innocent people. He didn't only hit them or shot them, he used his words. .

  
And both him and god knew, they were stronger sometimes. Many times, even.

  
He hurt people. He shot people without a second thought to prove himself, to fill in the blank his mother had opened. To get back at his own brother. His own brother. With the flesh and the blood. He. .

  
_Saeyoung. I can write his name. Because I know something._

  
He let out a deep breath.

  
_Wherever he is, whatever he does. . I hope he just keeps himself off the hook. I don't care if he dislikes me because I don't think I can ever change that anyway-- But I see things clearly. Saeyoung, you're free._  
_You will never read this. I will never admit this._

  
_But you're free. I will stop hacking your chatroom. I will stop hacking your computer. I'm letting you go._

  
_No more denial, no more postponing. No more 'easy'. Because I know it now. I always did._ _I know. I finally know what I have tried to hard to bury in deep. I_ _thought that my killer vengeance would stop that and conceal this hole inside my heart, however no. It will never be gone anyway. Live, live for me. Love for me, now that my love is gone. Laugh for me, now that my life is bitter and dry. Live. I can't forgive you, now. Not yet, that I'm still left behind. But I never hated you._

  
_I could never._

  
_You're my brother. I could never, I was just broken that you were gone._ _I will never say these things to you because that doesn't mean that you haven't shattered me. But in the end, I will always forgive you quite deep inside . Even when there are obstacles. Because you're my brother and I am yours. I always will be._

  
He wiped his tear, then looked at himself in the mirror. It was still there.

  
Soft, velvet, crumbled. It was placed on the corner of the mirror, which made him walk there and take it in his hand, the small black piece of velvet. He could feel his hands shaking with the feeling of it, made him feeling as if it was going to melt in his hands, leaving him without the memory or the kind, wonderful smell of her. It was still there. It could never get out of his mind anyway.

  
It was always the same dream. The same never ending carousel of his unconcious.

  
_"I feel weird. " She sighed, looking at the ceiling with a strange sparkle ._ (The sparkle he would kill for one last time to see again.)

  
_"How come? Should I get ta-- " Saeran asked, slightly worried. Just when he started to shift in the bed, she held him back and interrupted._

  
_"No-- It's three in the morning and not that kind of weird. Don't leave. "_

  
_"What kind of weird then? Can I fix that?"_

  
_She shrugged. "No, it's like. . I don't know. I feel ticklish."_

  
_"What?" He snorted._

  
_"Hey--" She hit his bare chest lightly. "I'm serious."_

  
_"Maybe it's a stomach bug or something. Where exactly is it?"_

  
_"I don't know where exactly. It just feels like something is different-- Do you think something is happening? Because I sensed mom's death."_

  
_"Well if it's something like death, I hope not. "_

  
_"That's fair, " She nodded. "Will you work a lot tomorrow?"_

  
_He sighed. "Of course. I need to keep an eye on the RFA constantly, they can't be trusted. Especially since you're in this,"_

  
_"What do you mean?"_

  
_Saeran was silent. Monah rolled her eyes a little and spoke "Just say it. I'm not a child," She sighed._

  
_"You just. . You do things too easily, Monah. You trust people and that is just a terrible thing to do in this world! I love you. But they aren't people to take granted and I won't let them take you away. This body," He gestured, then took her head in his hands, placing a kiss; "And this mind, these are yours. And they will find a way to claim both for their 'great' foundation. I won't let that happen,"_

  
_"Ray. . I don't! No one is trying to take me away--"_

  
_"No-- Okay? This is where you don't intervene. This is the line. Between what you do and what I do. You go in there, talk and get the information. I use that information to protect what matters the most; Magenta, Savior and most importantly; you."_

  
_Monah hit his shoulder harder this time, "Stop that," She snapped._

  
_"What?"_

  
_"You. You are your own priority. I can protect myself. You are your priority. "_

  
_"Mo--"_

  
_"No. This is where YOU don't intervene. This is the line between us. Between everything about us. You. You are your priority." She looked down, dissappointed._

  
_" Will you let me talk if I accept that?"_

  
_"Shut up. Promise me. "_

  
_Saeran took her hands in his- soft hands, nails freshly painted in some shade of blue- and spoke._

  
_"I promise."_

  
_Just when Saeran was about to kiss her, Monah chose to hug him instead. It was quick and tight, as if she was paranoid, alerted. Saeran was taken aback first, however returned the hug by wrapping one arm around her waist as another rested inside her long_ , wavy hair that could resemble a quality, arabian satin curtain.

  
_"I love you," She muttered._

  
_"I- I love you too."_

  
_She started to play with the hair just above his neck. It always calmed him down, just like how his scent always calmed her down._

  
_"Do you have to go early tomorrow?"_

  
_"I do. Savior called for me. I have to go, I'll be weak without her. "_

  
_"You work hard enough. . And Rika is still--"_

  
_"Monah."_

  
_"But you're not weak! You're the strongest person I know and I'm sorry but it's just-- I already feel like I'm about to puke, I have a weird feeling about this. I feel these things, I'm telling you!" She broke the hug slowly, then went on "Can't you just postpone it?"_

  
_"And let her get suspicious about us, about you as if she isn't doubtful enough about you? Or even worse, let the RFA get ahead of us?"_

  
_"It's not and you know that," She muttered under her breath, only with a voice she could hear._

  
_"What?"_

  
_"Nothing. Can we just sleep before you go? You have five more hours."_

  
_"Alright-- But are you feeling okay? You know I can get you anything, just say it."_

  
_"No, just hunches. Come on," She lay back on the bed, placing the blanket on herself._

  
_Saeran wrapped his arm around her, sighed._

  
_"Everything will be okay."_

  
_She didn't reply for a minute, only to say three single words to end their night, but more importantly; their honeymoon._

  
_"Just. . Don't go."_

  
  Saeran left that morning. That June morning, where Rika had decided to perform a second ceremony since he was weak. This particular moment, their last before Saeran became a stone cold psychopath, never left his head. Not for a single day, hour, minute, second. .

  
_Everything will be okay. Don't go. Everything will be okay. Don't go._

  
Those were her last words to him-- to the non- psychopathic lover of hers. _Don't go._

  
Saeran knew he couldn't resist it, he knew ever since he got back to her death. He thought that if he just tried to move on and buckled up the feelings; he would get the strength to fight it. To fight all these terrible thoughts, nightmares, terrors. .

  
Her voice that never left his head. Her smile that never left his head. Her eyes that never left his dreams and her scent that he could never forget.

  
He couldn't fight it and Saeran knew one thing now. One thing that he should have known before everything, one thing that would be life changing if he knew from the very beginning. The reason why he couldn't fight all these things about her wasn't him being weak

  
He was never weak, just blinded by lies and his own stupidity.

  
He couldn't fight because he loved her. He loved her with all his heart and everything he had, what did he have? What was left of what he had?

That day, Saeran felt his body going numb. Hot tears were racing down his cheeks as if his eyes were faucets, he felt his body shaking, his heart getting ripped off his chest; things he thought that he would never feel after his mother and being abondoned by his brother. Things he thought that he would never have to go through if he wasn't the devil's executioner.

  
That day, Saeran finally cried.

  
For what he had lost, for his love that was gone, for what he had done and what he hadn't done. .

  
He hurt people. He hurt _her_. 

  
_"Honey!"_

  
He remembered so little because of that much elixir, so little of his psychopathic state. However he knew that 'so little' lasted for a month and a half and was enough to crash her whole world. Everything that he did remember were enough to make him crawl harder.

_"I'm home!" Saeran yelled, opening the doors of her room with a speed he had never used before._

  
_Monah looked happy at first, seeing her lover in her room once again; safe and sound. But within the tone of his voice and the way he looked; that was gone quickly._

  
_"Ray?" She questioned, hoping that it was a false alert._

  
_Saeran smirked, getting closer. "Oh. . I know who you are. I know who you are! You're the teddy boys girl, aren't you? He was a loser but his tastes don't seem so bad. I don't know if you can tell, I have a thing for brunettes."_

  
_"What?"_

  
_" 'What?' 'What?' You should see your face. Looks kind of stupid, especially with those big, boring eyes."_

  
_When both were silent and she was stepping behind, he made a gesture. "Have a seat. Really." He then went on with "My savior told me all about you. About who you are, what you did. . The thing is, I bring you here. And you non-stoply play the victim and manipulate the flower guy-- But me? I think we need a change of hearts here, 'honey'."_

  
Saeran could never forget what he saw inside those gorgeous eyes that day. It wasn't her usual _'It will be okay,'_ or _'I love you.'._ It was something unforgettable, something that made him afraid of what he could do. Fear. Fear that could make you crazy and he knew, after a point _she was going crazy because of the paranoia._

  
_"Are you just going to look at me? Do you have something to say? If you do, say it now because that'll be the only time that I will allow you to do that for a long time."_

  
_"What do you--"_

  
_"Have I NOT been clear enough for you? Fine. Come here," Saeran hissed._

  
_"But--"_

  
_Saeran then growled, getting up from the armchair. "Insist, insist one more time, I dare you. . "_

  
_"I love y--"_

  
Saeran closed his eyes. Because he knew what happened and he knew what came after that. He knew what he did and god knew, he was never going to forgive himself for any of it. He didn't deserve that, he didn't get to do that. He didn't get to take an angel from heaven, place her into hell; he didn't get to use her to supress the problems he got more than his share.

  
_Slap._

  
  His hand was shaking. . His whole body was aching, as tears kept falling on the floor next to the puddle of blood and the broken shards of the mirror. His throat hurt too, that's when he realized that he had been screaming. He looked at his bleeding hand, then leaned onto the wall. That was what he deserved. That was what he had to have.  
Saeran Choi, brother of Saeyoung, son of Saejoon. Hacker of Mint Eye, slave of Rika, lover of Monah, who he never deserved.

  
Saeran was a _terrible_ man.

  
_"You don't understand! Please let me go, please open the door! " Screaming, hiccups and her shaky voice._

  
_"You wanted this. You deserve this! Just wait until savior decides what we should do with you-- I mean, I'm fine either way. I hate the sight of your face and your even worse personality, so you'll just be a toy. Or I can kill you since now I am strong enough for that, which is another fine option,"_

  
_The hiccups raised._

  
_"Saeran. . Please open the door," She moved. "She's playing with you. She knows about your weaknesses, can't you see? She uses your doubts and insecurities against you and the meds are the only way how she can make them control you!"_

  
  Saeran didn't give her food for **five** days. Five long days that he spent hacking as he ignored her screams for help. As he cried in shower each night, knowing that the pain he caused to her was vain and only a concealer for him. He was unforgiveable. He could never forgive himself.

  
_"Toy! Come out, come out. . Where did you hide again?" He started to walk in the dark room, for some reason she turned the lights off. Each step of his made a slight noise in the room but only he could hear. "Do you not remember the last time you played hide and seek? I punished you well, didn't I?" Steps kept echoing as Saeran's blue, venomous orbs looked for any sign of her. "I see that the bed is available and if I don't see in the following minute, we'll have a longer round of that. Would you like that, airhead? Would you want to cherish those old scars from the other week?"_  
_He stopped with dissappointment when he heard her voice_ _from the bathroom. Buzz killer. He opened the bathroom door fastly, only to freeze by the sight in front of him._

  
That was a puzzled memory for Saeran. Because he really didn't know what to do about that sight back then, he didn't know if he should have yelled. Or not. Or anything. He wasn't happy with how everything went afterwards-- but it was the best memory of his in that state because he didn't completely end up hurting her. It ended much different than others. But did he still hate all his leftover elixir memories? Of course.

  
_Blood. Blood everywhere, on every single clean white tile, the toilet, some in the tub. Even though it took some of his time to take his eyes off the scarlet liquid, there she was; in the bathtub filled with water that had less blood compared to the rest of the room. She was wearing her light blue nightgown, which was soaked in both blood and water. Mostly blood, which made him feel uneasy._

  
Worried. He knew he was worried. Not maybe back then, however now he was wiser. Bigger. He knew how stupid he was and how he was ready to die to cover that.  
She stared at the ceiling with a blank, numb expression that he had never seen before. With something he couldn't quite paint on her, something that wasn't a part of herself. She looked shattered. And not like Saeran's personality kind of shattered, in the way of a shattered masterpiece; carved with lust, love, joy and tenderness however was crashed in anger, sadness and _agony_.

  
_He moved very slowly. He was under the spell of a prophetic sociopath but at that moment, Monah was the only one on the tightrope and he wasn't that stupid. There was blood under his feet. Did all of these belong to her? Was he stepping on her blood?_  
_He had to speak. She looked like she was in pieces, but he had to speak because she looked in a daze, hypnotized almost. He knew what he had to do, even though he was going to do something unreal. He knew what was necessary, he knew what she counted on and what she wouldn't be afraid of; the only thing she wouldn't be afraid of._  
_He hated it. He hated him, he hated every single piece of his split personality. But this was what she needed now. And he was going to do it. For. . The safety of Mint Eye. Yes._

_Definitely._

  
_He let out a deep breath. He was next to her, yet she didn't even notice._

  
_It was necessary. So he said it as he took off his jacket. "Flower? Can you hear me?"_

  
_She shivered with his voice._

  
_"Flower, I'm so sorry. He's gone now, I swear," He kneeled down to her level, seeing that she had some scratches and a bruise on her face. He lightly touched her chin to look for the bruise, but she was quick to speak._

  
_"No," Her voice was sore. Tired, shaky. Everything that was the real him._

  
_He touched the water. Ice cold. She had to be here for a long time, she would definitely get sick and those wounds-- Lord. There was a huge one on her shoulder, it was almost as long as a tulip. She was losing blood and he still didn't know what ever the fuck happened. But he knew that he had to get her out of here before anyone else saw._  
_He held her face slowly, taking it in his hands. It felt so strange-- even though he always did it just a few weeks ago. "You're losing blood. You've lost too much-- Monah, you'll die,"_

  
_"He's gone. He's gone," He added._

  
_Her voice was going lower, he knew there wasn't much time._

  
_"No. . Aw- ay," She tried to get away from his grip, only for him to realize that he was playing with her hair. Again. Flower boy always found a way, he assumed. No, he thought. I have to play flower boy now. For._

  
_For Magenta._ (It wasn't for the fucking Magenta, it never was; Saeran thought.)

  
_"I'll fix this. I swear, come on," He muttered softly, getting both his hands in the water to reach for her. Her body that had went a lot skinnier since she practically starved for a long time was floating in the water, she was just so fragile. With her whole body covered in wounds and her lips shivering with fear and anxiety; he had a hard time to not do what his mind was spelt on if she were present beside him._

_Kill her. He felt his hands shake, however he was able to have self control to fight it. To fight a bottle, the spell inside his head._

  
_When he felt her body in his hands, barely awake, the first sensation he had was a familiar one. No-- not the sort. Not the familiar type of feeling, just familiar. Her smell, how her skin felt. . It felt like that one picture of him and Saeyoung left that he hid under his bed for so long, the one he despised, hated and wanted to burn; but couldn't because--_  
_He loved him. He honestly didn't remember what exactly he thought about that photograph before but he thought that Monah was like that too; which was of course just a band aid over his insecurity._

  
_The walk back to his room was thankfully not much of a trouble, a lot of people were at another cleansing. Things weren't going so well with her however-- her body got hotter with each minute and he would probably had to keep her with him for a while. As he thought about the possibilities, another question came into his mind; what the fuck has happened?_

  
_He took a glance at her, then at her room. He had to go there back, alone, after he took care of her._

  
He looked at the time, two. Six hours left.

  
Things were slowly getting together in his head, he knew. He wasn't ready for it. He wasn't ready to figure things out. But it had already been figured out and he knew that. He knew what he was thinking. He knew the truth now. He thought. He thought everything. Everything good and everything bad, as long as he could recall. He had the good to cherish, the bad to remember and his mind to judge.

  
Was the devil going to bribe the judge again? Could it?

  
He plugged his phone in the socket after almost a month of not touching it, it truly felt weird. But he never used it much until Monah came anyway. Monah.

  
Did she ever left his mind?

  
No. Even when he was concealing and forgetting this whole time, she was always there. And precisely, why he was doing those things. (Crappy decision, as Rach said.)

  
With the thought of her, he did something he didn't think he would do. He went into the small bathroom. (Shitty, not bigger than a closet.) He took a look at himself in the mirror once again. At his sad, defeated face that belonged to a mad man. But with the person inside his head, he did something he didn't think that he would do; he poured water on his wound. It made him groan loudly, however was nothing compared to the past.

  
He knew how to take care of wounds. Sicknesses. A lot of things. He grew up with them, both literally and metaphorically.

  
  _He first cleaned her up, there was so much blood. Hot water would probably fix that, his savior didn't want her dead anyway; not yet. He had to try his best for the sake of Mint Eye. He first filled the tub with hot water, then started to use the shower head to wet her hair, hell, her hair was soaked in blood too. He felt a rush of anger strike him like a truck, however he had to stay calm. Not for this. . Airhead._

  
_Her hair was stiff, not soft unlike before. He took his time to make sure that it was perfectly clean since his savior told him that she was worthless yet important for now, like a cheap present. So he had to take care of the present. The airhead. Her. Whatever._

  
_After the bath, he carried her to his bed and dressed her up in one of her t-shirts that was left in his room and some pajama bottoms of his. He was being extra careful because he was still getting this feeling whenever he held her. This feeling of discomfort, like this empty hybrid of a familiar gleam and some sort of a tenderness. As if he was just millimeters away from letting her slip away from his arms and fall into an endless pit of despair and infinite wreckage._  
_The wound was still bleeding. It wasn't that hard to recover from, however it needed stitches. He sighed as he took out the first aid kit, annoyed at the fact that there was not anasthesia._  

  
_"Well, your slumber better be deep," He muttered as he found the thread. He let out a deep breath as he got closer to her tan silhouette that had lost it's glow, his fingers were slightly trembling with the boiling inside the smallest cells of his blood; who could have done this?_

  
_T_ he _needle was inside. He didn't really care. Her blood got between his nails and painted the bitten skin around them, he kept going. His fingers still shivered because of how fragile she felt, but more because. . Magenta? He assumed. As the blood increased, his will to continue started to vanish which actually made him smile-- as if he had that option. Blood dripped on her t-shirt and the sheets, his hands shivered more as the vein on his forehead appeared again. He felt like this huge ice berg that was about to crack and collapse and take everything near deep in the ice cold ocean with him, like he was this massive gun that was about to be fired by something that he couldn't control but cause havoc anyway-- Yes, havoc. He knew he was about to become havoc itself because there was this insane wish of his that consisted not leaving anyone alive on this building. Sometimes even his savior who he loved too much._

  
_He knew what his thoughts could do. He knew what he was capable of, but that didn't change his actions-- people had multiple faces, personas. Some were to be revealed and some to be buried in the coldest, darkest oceans of the mind. He wondered if she had one of those, Monah._ _He had Ray, Saeran and the original Saeran. Ray and Saeran were to be revealed but the original Saeran was nowhere near to be outside. He would never let that happen. Not only because the OG was weak but also because no one really deserved him._

  
_But Monah was. . The original Monah. Already. He wondered about the darkness within her, after all her savior was amazing at finding that dark inside people. That one thing that you trap for years, unleashed. That darkness that has been supressed, only to get bigger once it was out._

  
_He bet she had one. She was with Ray after all, she had to be a strange one._

  
_He wiped the single tear that came out of his eye, it was probably because of the stress._

  
_That day went with her laying on his bed unconciously and him hacking, of course he did check her every once in a while. Her fever was still present, however he turned from the screen when he heard her voice, muttering something. He walked towards her fastly._

  
_"N- Stop, I, stop. . Away,"_

  
_Was she dreaming? Saeran checked her fever again by touching her forehead, just when her eyes were wide open because of the shock. (Fever still high.) But the unexpected happened._

 

_"Saeran?"_

  
_Play nice, he thought. She can't be awake for long anyway. Also, you can't afford to make things worse. However, he was surprised by the fact that she didn't go by stupid Ray._  
_"You had a nightmare," He muttered, then started to walk back to his desk; only for Monah to take his hand._

  
_"Stay,"_

  
_Clingy airhead, Saeran thought. But kneeled to her level anyway. He was about to speak, just when her hands found his cheeks, caressing them gently._  
_"You're tired. . " She whispered, then caressed the bruise on his forehead. "What happened?"_

  
_Saeran didn't know if he should have told her or not. That he buried the corpse he found in her bathroom closet, though it wasn't an intentional kill. He saw the camera records. The man came to give her the elixir, she refused; he started to hit her, then stabbed her from her shoulder. And when he tried to touch her- and managed to for a couple of times- she just hit him with the vase, then got scared and placed him in the closet. After that her body went into shock because of the huge stab wound and she ended up in the tub._

  
_And the bruise was just an accident he had while he buried the corpse. He wasn't that scared, Rika made him bury a lot of people at times. (Precisely when he was fourteen. "You're too weak, she'd say as she ignored his tears. "I'm only trying to make you strong, what you're destined to become with my help.")_

  
_He bit his lip, then played pretend. He took one of her hands in his, then caressed the scratch on her lower lip. "Nothing. You need to rest,"_

  
_"Don't go. I know that you're not Ray,"_

  
_He stopped in this tracks, listening much carefully._

  
_"I know. Just. . Can we pretend for a few minutes? Not you being Ray but us being. . I don't know. Not crappy. I know you hate me. "_

  
_Saeran sighed in defeat. "Make room,"_

  
_She did. The next ten minutes were just her laying on his chest while he played with her hair, it had zero spirit but it just felt righter than yelling. Or babbling hate._

  
_"You hurt me. "_

  
_He was silent._

  
_"You hurt me and you hate me. You want me dead, you actually bit me until I cried in your grip, you slapped me-- And I need to fucking hate you. I should but I can't. Do you know why? Because I know that all of this, it's not your fault. Neither mine. One person is guilty and you pay the price and I hate knowing all of this."_

  
_He took a deep breath._

  
_"And I want to hate you so bad-- Because at the end of the day I am the recurring role and I am always the one who waits in the corner to be played with and I can't even hate you for making me feel like a prop. Like a body made for you to throw around where ever you want," She sighed._

  
_"Nothing is going to change just because we're playing house right now," He muttered quickly when he felt a rush of thoughts entering his mind._

  
_"I know. But I just want to let you know, no matter what you do, what you say; I will never stop caring for you. I know what you are trying to do. I know what that drugs did to you and I know what she did,"_

  
_She smiled slightly, even though it clearly gave her pain._

  
_She leaned towards him. "I know you. I can never hate you."_

  
And that was the last time Monah Kahl kissed Saeran Choi.

  
_Don't go, I can never hate you._

  
It haunted him. It made him feel disgusted with himself even more, as if he never was.

  
  He showered. It was almost eight and he knew what he had to do. What he had to try. What he owed to himself, to his past, to the good memories of his brother. . To her.

  
  He knew that he could never be fully sure. He could never be fully confident of his choices, his actions. In fact, he was more scared than ever. It felt like going from fall to winter, from the already wet ground to the killing frostbite. His breaths weren't enough for his lungs and his heart was a foreigner to his body not just for what he had done; for what he hadn't done and for what he was about to do too.

  
He was sick of the illusions, he was sick of not being able to think for himself, he was sick of all the lies in his life. Twenty one years of lies were enough, this prison called paradise was enough and denial was enough. Their presence used to give him hope but he saw it now. He saw it clearly.

  
  Saeran Choi was the fool, the executioner of the devil and couldn't do anything about it. Saeyoung Choi was a demon; a fallen angel from what they used to call heaven. V was the false god, the false prophet who everyone adored; Rach was the mysterious priestess who may or may not have been making deals with the devil and Monah. .

  
Monah was the prey, the sacrifice, the offering they have made for the devil. The only innocent one, that has faced death.

  
_That she didn't deserve from the first day_ , He thought.

  
_The one I love. My one and only love. My life, that has been taken from me; my love that has been ripped of my hands and my heart. The one I love, my life; my Monah._   

  
  After all those years, he knew one thing for certain and that was how blind he was. And what that had cost him. The other thing he knew for sure was that he didn't intend to stay that way. _Never_ again.

  
  She smirked as she put out her cigarette. "Hello Myspace,"

  
"I see that you're ready to post. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5.6 K words! This is officially the longest chapter of this book and I'm really excited to post it!! I'm on my summer vacation yet will going to have to study hard soon for my uni exams next year but I intend to keep the chapters long until the summer ends. Because next year I don't know how I will manage honestly. Anyway, thank you for reading! With love x  
> ALSO, if you'd like to follow me on my socials;  
> Twitter: @adoleswercy  
> Tumblr: mysticswercy (I take headcanon/ficlet requests on Tumblr, so make sure to follow me there and feed me with requests!)


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